this past weekend was cool we hung out at Cito's on saturday, Cito is cool and all you can just tell he wants so much to come out of his shell, he's holding in alot Gloria i still cant figure out? i feel like she likes me but than i feel like she doesnt sometimes, she's just has that attitutude were you cant tell, like Cam i wish they would just come outta there shells, but ive been trying for a long time, and still no luck. Well everyweekend weve been haave been hanging out with the fellas and Mark gets mad because i drink alot and well call me an alcoholic or whatever but it seems to be the only way to make me feel something i feel good, i feel happy when i drink, and i can actually see it now, but i just feel so numb with all the meds i take, its supposed to bring back seratonin in my brain but i still dont feel happy i cant even cry anymore and in a wierd way i miss feeling that way, today was the only day i actually felt something i cried, i was haveing anxiety attacks again i even had suicidal thoughts again which i hadnt had in a while, but whole thing was i felt! i dont know i guess thats why im turning to alcohol and im not even suppose to be drinking! something with the meds blah blah but nothing ever happens! not that im wishing it would ..... well im supposed to go back to work on tuesday and all today ive been freaking out! im not mentally ready yet i know i need to go back but im so scared! scared to face the world again what if i cant do it? i need more time, im going to call my Dr. so i can just get another couple weeks so i can mentally prepare myself. and than i guess we'll see what happens i think i'll be ready i just need a little more time. and hey if i cant do it than i'll just stop, oh god just give me strenth!!!!!