Today was a good day i suppose, im felling better i dont feel as bad as i did before but my problem now is that i dont want to face the future i gotta cal today from Frank asking me if i want to go back to work next weeek i was still sleeping when he called so i said ok, im not ready to go back to work im still fucking tripping off everything i fell like i still cant function the other day i got a bad reaction from one of my medication i think, because the minute i woke up till the next day i was so tired i felt like i was going through these coma like sleeps, like i was hgaving one seizure after another, it didnt feel right! i couldnt stay awake i mean like we went to the store i stayed in the car and went into a coma like sleep i was scary i couldnt even talk right i was like slurring as if i couldnt talk right, i didnt do anything just go to bed early and thats not me. Well weve been doing alot of things lately that has kept my mind buisy Beto came down a couple of weekends agfo we had fun we went to faces, than to San Fran, it was fubu night i felt like all the black girls were just dogging me, but i had fun, i guess when you think you feel like your on drugs you can imagine it and it starts to feel like it. Anyways i had a talk with Beto that night we had dinner at Chatas i just feel like he never unerstands me like he thinks its all in my mind and its easy to stop, and its not i just wish he would talk to me asn not talk at me you know. Well i just think thast i miss rthem too much i think thats why i started to fell so depressed and amongst all the other shit! but now with all the meds im taking i feel better i admit not cured i dont think i will ever be cured i dont think anyone can ever be cured from these feelings!iwith all the meds im taking makes me feel more numb than anything, i feel irritate, im feeling almost like i dont care about anything! i dont sleep as much as i used to, i am doing things on my own now things i wouldnt have done before like go to the store by myself or go for a walk outside i feel sorda changed i guess you can say. NOw since im supposed to go back to work i feel like im going through this Ricky stage maybe thats why i keep dreaming about him like a haunting feeling, in my dreams he is still obssesed with me, my interpretation of that is because im not ready to go back to work, im going throuigh that same feeling as if im so used to these feeling that i dont want to go on, like when i was with Ricky all i new was him and the way he made me feel and i know if i can through that and say to myself what i say now, i know eventually i will get through this but im not ready i m so scared of the future i feel like i will do anything to not face it. What do i do its allready next week im scared i was barely taking baby steps going outside, what do i do? i feel like going crazy again like alomst i hate to admit it but hurting myself again but i dont want to do that, i havent told mark anything yet i have to figure something out. well I just found out that Biancha is going through the same thing it sucks it really does, i will do what i can to help her i know what shes going through i told her to come by tommarrow so we can talk, an were also going to see Kieth Sweat so we'll see how that goes so until than............