April 16, 04
Things are going ok ive been feeling a lot better lately, well Monday I had my drama and so me and my boss were talking and hes been trying to get me into his little cult as I say, but this time I finally opened up my eyes and listened and he prayed for me and ive been doing good. Maybe that’s what I needed, I finally get it now I guess im finally growing up! Im an adult! Scary huh! But ive come to realize that there’s more to life than material things, yeh im trying to do good for my future and all but I know there’s more to my than that, I know that im for a reason I don’t what it is yet, and im trying to figure it out, and I know eventually I will! I know god put us all on this earth for a reason, I have so many questions and no answers! Im trying to just get by everyday! Its hard I have so many responsibilities now, and I just found out im going to have even more, well when I was in Florida I went and saw a psychic and she told me that I was going to have trouble with a male family member and that someone was going to give me something, well my grandma told me yesterday that she’s giving us my mom house and I’ve been trying to tell them that I only want to do what’s right for my parents see my mom and dad are both mentally disabled I mean there not dumb they know things but they cant manage money, and those kinds of things for themselves, it was hard for me growing up with parents like them and that’s a whole different story but the point is if something ever happens to my grandparents Im the one that has to take care of them which is no big deal because I do it already when they need to g to the store or anything I do it, not my, aunt or uncle hell they don’t even visit them, so I know there’s going to be big drama, this Sunday there all coming to my house to talk about, and my uncle and his dumb wife are greedy and being stupid! They want it all and it’s not my fault they fucked up with there lives and ive done good for myself. I just want to do what is right for them and he doesn’t see it that way. Hell they don’t even realize how hard it is for me, they see money. And its not about that. Well whatever I don’t care we’ll see what happens. So as I was saying my spiritual voyage has actually been making me feel better, Ive been sleeping better, feeling better, im trying hard to work on my self esteem but its hard Im realizing the reason why I want to be somebody is because I want to feel good about myself, and that’s the only way I think that will make me feel that way, which I know now is stupid! My boss gave me this book to read, it’s about realizing what my purpose here is. And I keep coming back to the same thing, and its to help people, I don’t know how or what but that’s the only thing that makes me feel good! I feel so fortunate that I feel like I should share it with people. I know I be tripping but life all of a sudden means so much more to me.
April 13, 2004
Sometimes in life we take on too much, not realizing how things can effect us mentally and physically, well I have a little insomnia problem first of all, whether it be because of drugs I did before or just because im paranoid! And well it never seemed to be a problem I got used to it not sleeping, but with everything going on in my life right I think not sleeping pushed me over the edge not just that, but with the whole new house and moving & everything! I think I was just trying to do too much, and yesterday I fell apart big time! And that’s not me to do it especially at work, I don’t want people to know that im week, or see the real me! But I couldn’t take it! I’ve been doing everything! Mark helps but just lately ive been feeling overwhelmed with everything! I didn’t come to work last Thurs. & Friday so that I can move & I come back to work and nothings done! I guess that’s just were I lost it, I swear I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown I scared myself! I hadn’t felt that bad in a long time! I don’t know what’s wrong with I just feel emotionally drained, I feel like I have everything I could possibly want, a new house, a pool, a Jacuzzi, money, etc. but I still feel like something’s missing, like all the material things in this world still don’t make me happy I feel empty. So yesterday I had this talk with my supervisor and I think I mentioned him before, the person that’s made an impact on my life, well just the way he looks at life so so…I cant even explain, so yeh he’s all into religion, and I believe in a higher power and im not turning all Tammy Faye Baker but as crazy as it may seem maybe just maybe that’s what im lacking, spiritual guidance whether its all mentally or whatever I feel like I keep making the same mistakes in life over & over, and well ever since the whole Beto incident I feel like he’s been trying to reach me, but I keep pushing him away I know I sound crazy but its true. I think there comes a time in our lives when we get older and don’t need to do the things in life we did when we were young! I don’t get that craving for drugs or going out anymore, and I thought it would never come down to this and no im not becoming a Mormon! I still love the occasional beer or 2 or 5 haha, but I feel like maybe its time to settle down and start A family, my life is flying by so fast I can’t mentally keep up! Maybe its time I start to do better things with my life. I get so scared sometimes that im just going to lose it and everyday is a struggle for me and as I tried to tell my cousin Leslie people like her cant possibly understand a person like me, shes strong and thinks well why cant you just brush it off, and if it were that easy I would but I struggle with life everyday, every second! Its hard being me! I wish I could be like Joel or Mark or her! But im not the littlest things are hard for me, driving to work, working, shopping, sleeping, and facing the day! I just want to be happy!, and when Mark came into my life I felt like that piece of me that was missing for so long was finally there, and its not him, I thank God everyday for him he is truly my angel! But it’s me! I hope he understands that I hate having to put him through this I love him to death & don’t want to hurt him. Well I actually feel a lot better today I prayed last night to please have courage and let me sleep I was scared yesterday the first time by myself, with no TV im used to watching TV to go back to sleep, so I starting hearing things and it was awful but last night I slept really well, thank you Jesus I needed it so bad just one night of rest. And I feel a lot better today! I feel energized! Well ok enough of my sad story ill get by, well my house is cool we pretty much moved everything this past weekend, I still want to paint you know me I cant stand white walls but other than that I like my house, I still need to get used to it though it kinda feels like im in someone else’s house, but I love the pool we went swimming on Saturday and Sunday I didn’t even want to get out! I think im the little mermaid, haha Well allrighty I better get back to work ill be ok….ill keep telling myself!