March 25, 04
Why does work have to be so tedious? Same shit over and over I can never just take a fricken break I don’t know I cant see myself here much longer, but what the hell else am I going to do with my life? School? I don’t know im going loco esay! Well last night I went to Uncle Joes dads rosary, I grew up with his family so I consider them family, it was sad I swear ive been to one funeral right after another this year! What’s going on? Everyone is dying on me, I guess im just getting older and everyone around me is too… its kinda scary when you think about it pretty soon everyone I love will be gone! And of course I can’t help think of my grandparents I know that ill be in there position one day and it scares me! I can’t imagine life without them! Life is scary one day you’re here and the next your long gone… and you cant do anything about it. Well it got me thinking about my life, see the one thing I love about there family is that they’re so close everyone stays in touch, and my family everyone just does there own thing I know everyone has there own family’s to worry about but to me my grandparents are the world to me I try to spend as much time with them as I can because I know there getting old. But everyone else just seems to take them for granted. I know I say I don’t want kids and im scared as hell! But I don’t want to die lonely with no family around! I guess maybe its time to seriously start thinking about it. Yes im scared and I don’t know shit about kids, hell ive never even changed a diaper before but I suppose ill learn, I just get this feeling sometimes from Mark that he thinks im going to be a bad mother and that’s why he doesn’t want to have kids with me. And it makes me feel bad, I know im not all great or whatever but im going to try, I want to be the mother I never had. I want to teach my child about life and philosophy and teach them not to judge people on what they see. But hey I guess well just see what happens and let life take me wherever it wants…..